((A fancy header will someday be here!))

It's been six whole months since I updated my journal. It's also been ten months since I last updated any of you guys on how my life has been. Without a doubt though, A LOT has changed for me within the last year.

Well, okay, maybe not much in quantity, but some major stuff anyhow.

One of them was the most incredibly life changing choices I've made in awhile. The choice is that I no longer want to be an Architect anymore. Yes, that's what I said, I don't want to be an Architect anymore. That dream I have been chasing for 4+ years, all of a sudden have been dropped. Most of you who knows me known it's been something I've largely identified with over my life, so it must sound damn weird that I no longer want to do this. Is it because I hate Architecture? Hell no. I just don't want to be an Architect.

So, what's up with this?

About November when I was filling out applications to transfer to a State University to go continue my education as an Architect, I was randomly puzzled over a question I asked myself. Am I really sure I want to do this? At first I thought it was a stupid notion, *of course* I want to be an architect, I've been wanting to be one since I was 17! (BTW I'm 22 now, my b-day was on Jan19). It was that and a combination that my grades aren't as high as I hoped and the fact I couldn't finish all of my classes within a year that prompted this decision.

Then I thought about it. A lot.

What is it like to be an Architect? First I got to spend years as an intern with pretty much meager pay where I run around and scan paperwork and be used to do all sorts of fun grunt work. Assuming I can get a nice enough resume, I can apply to be a desk worker at an Architecture firm. Which is incredibly difficult with not only how difficult it is to get a job there, but in fact there were A LOT of people much better than me… and NOT getting jobs. Whooo, red flag there, guys.

But.

If you want something really bad, then it shouldn't matter, right? Who cares if you have to work your butt off, as long as you put enough effort, things should work out in the end.

Except, I realized I didn't want to do that anymore. Hell, just *looking* for a job already made me shake. The fact I'd work at a stupid desk doing grunt work for years… just before I can *help* do basic designs. Hell, the stuff you learned from the University is actually not used until after the 6-7th year of working. Architecture is basically just a corporation, that makes buildings. And me, I'm really not the sort of guy who wants to live a life like that.

But I still like drawing houses and learning about buildings though, cause I'm a geek like that.

So what?

I had two options. Continue on attempting to be an Architect, most likely being like most people in the country who goes to bed thinking, "Crap, I got to go to work tomorrow. I hate my job." Or I can pick another career.

Of course, I found this already giving myself a mini-meltdown because I'm freaking out over these observations. I like stability. I like knowing what I plan to do. I hate things changing at the last moment. I hate realizing that everything I did for four years might be for nothing.

Soon I realized what else I might have wanted to be. A teacher. This was a old childhood dream of mine when I was a kid. Not just that, but I *like* helping other people when they don't understand the material in class. Especially math. Math was easily one of my strongest subjects (except Calc, that stuff can die and go to hell. I don't care about computating curves and graphs, GTFO). Then BAM, I realized being a Math Teacher is awesome.

But whoa, things don't just happen without a catch, right?

Almost every class I have taken in the last four years don't transfer over. Pretty much what stays the same are the basic education classes and my math classes. Woohoo. So that's a lot of catching up I'd have to do. Another sore point is that almost everybody I know who's my age and in college, graduates this year. So by the time I'm just trying to get back on my feet, everyone else would have moved on for school and continue on to life in the workforce.

And man, I know I hate being behind. I always felt like I was behind in everything and I know I've always tried really hard not to. It always sucked to be near last in a lot of classes (except math). Or in… just about everything I did. And it really bugged me that I'm just so behind right now.

But… I really want to be a Math Teacher (grades 6-12). I've thought about this long and hard, at least two months worth. Sure the pay won't be as good, and it'll be incredibly difficult to get a teacher degree due to all of the requirements needed… but I can imagine myself doing this job, and enjoying it. It offers me the stability I so desire, as long as I make it through the first few months fine. Then I get all sorts of benefits and tenure, which is practically a job-security guarantee! Summers I'll get off too (though I might teach at summer school). Sure the pay isn't great, but I've never really cared that much about that.

But above all, I realized I really like teaching and helping kids out. I know I really like to help my little cousin explain math homework in terms she could understand. I've also given a lecture in classes before (history) for extra credit. Even my teacher told me he wishes he would have done as well as I did. And I know people after class came to thank me just because I was able to help them understand things that they didn't understand from the teacher.

So yes, I want to be a teacher now.

And damn, that was waaaaaaaay longer than I thought it would be. I suppose I can be brief with the rest of my entry

There's another important decision to me, where do I go from here? This one I haven't decided yet. As far as I can see, there are three decisions I'm considering.

OPTION#1: Transfer to the teaching school only 30 miles away from here.

PROS: Cheapest of all schools I can fine. I can live at home. Very easy to transfer there. I know people at that school. It would be really easy to find a job in the area when I graduate. Probably the fastest way to get my degree.

CONS: I'm living at home. Most likely will be miserable.


OPTION#2: Transfer somewhere within the state and far away from here.

PROS: I won't be living at home. I can stay in Sunny California. My parents will probably not mind and support me. Take a decent amount of time to graduate.

CONS: Ability to transfer is questionable. Will probably have to find a side job due to having to support myself. Will probably have to live with random people, making a repeat of my crappy time of having roommates. Most likely be miserable.


OPTION#3: Transfer all the way across the country and go to the same school my girlfriend will attend.

PROS: I get to be faaar away from home. I will most likely be *happy* here. I get to live with my girlfriend (yay!).

CONS: It's too cold there It's a really huge change in my life. Parents will probably hate this choice and try to talk me out of it, leaving me probably to fend for myself if I can even find a way to get there. Uncertain I'll do well school-wise. Take considerably longer to graduate. Will have to work for a year and not go to school. Will have to work a lot just to be able to make sure I get to live somewhere and have food to eat. Damn scared at the idea of moving 3000 miles away and being unsure this choice will even work.

Right now I'm mostly debating between choices 1 & 3. #3 seems to have a lot of cons, but then again the Pros are pretty damn awesome. I'm really at a lost on what I feel is right in this situation. Some might argue if I'm happy, I'll do well in school anyway. And I know being with my gf will help me be more outgoing and stop making me hide in my room all day like I currently do.

I don't know, I really don't know what I should do. My mind have been flip flopping like crazy. Should I do what would be best for my career? Or should I do what makes me happy? I always hate the argument between what my brain thinks is best or my heart thinks is best.

So I'm just stuck in between, wondering what I should do.

Besides those two things I've been talking about, my life hasn't been all too different and interesting. I've been really into my geeky hobby of roleplaying and stuff. I've gotten relatively good that people seem to enjoy the stuff that I write and run (whoo-hoo!). My video game time has been run with playing DotA which is both fun and extremely frustrating, like all competitive internet games can be.

And of course, my girlfriend and I have been super close <3 Despite everything that happened in our lives, we remain stronger than ever. She's been absolutely awesome to me and it's almost been four years since we were together! I know, holy shit that's awesome. If we can be together for four years, managing to love each other more and more, and never fight… I think something's right

All in all, I just gotta keep my chin up and keep walking forward in life, despite it's unexpected turns and whatnot. Whatever happened to the straight and predictable roads, anyway?

I also gotta learn to update my journals more frequently, so they stop becoming 4 page giants. I didn't even get to talk about everything I wanted to o.0

Oh well, it's life. Shit happens

-Shiro


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